This blog post in long overdue. I haven’t really had the words to write it or maybe its the writing of it that releases me from this fantasy that it still might work out in some miracle of a way. Who knows. But I’ve been doing a 21 Days of Prayer program and this is a major part of my life. So here it is.
Our IVF failed.
Those words suck. I never wanted to write that. I knew it was possibility but I was almost sure this was it. Of course this will work! Why wouldn’t it? Its always been a timing issue, so this will work! Nope. Its still a timing issue, but Gods timing. That was a fast reality check.
This was one of the hardest journeys I’ve ever been on. The emotions, the hormones, the shots, the anxiety, everything……I couldn’t have done it without my amazing family and friends. I’m so thankful foreach person that prayed with us, over us, for us and each one that was there by my side. Jared and I love y’all so much. Words can’t say just how much it meant and still means to us.
It all started with this box of medication showing up on my doorstep. Filled with thousands of dollars worth of shots. Shots that would eventually be so hard to give to myself and too hard for Jared to bear doing it in thoughts of hurting me.
So my sweet long time friend Christy would be there for me every single day for a solid month. Y’all, how amazing is that. I felt so blessed to have her. It was such an intimate process and I couldn’t imagine anyone else doing it.After weeks of hormone shots I finally went in for my scan to see if my follicles were ready and they would big a beautiful! That was the best news! We finally had an egg retrieval date, something we had been waiting and waiting for! This was all happening. It was so exciting and nerve wrecking at the same time. I was instructed to take a pregnancy test before my scan to see if my levels were high. It was supposed to be positive. It was. That was a strange moment for me. For the first time in my life I’m seeing a positive test. Something I have longed for. But it wasn’t real. I wasn’t pregnant. It was just the medication giving me the positive surge. Talk about mind games.
So now we are ready for our retrieval! We get up a 4 am to be in Greenville SC by 6 for the big day. Its such a calm morning with not traffic on the road. Jared and I ride in mostly silence, just happy to be in the presence of one another. We’re so happy but also trying to guard our hearts. The retrieval goes great! We have 10 big beautiful eggs and lots of sperm to go into the Invo Cell. They insert the cell into me which I will incubate for 5 days while starting progesterone shots. I was in some pretty rough pain so I slept for the remainder of the day. I’m now carrying our possible babies in me and that was such an overwhelming feeling.
These 5 days are the most emotional days of my life. Severe ups and downs. Cant even talk about the process without busting into tears. I can’t even think about talking about it! Its strong and overpowering. I try to stay relaxed in these 5 days but its easier said than done. Plus add in all the hormones and I’m basically a ticking time bomb for tears. I’m praying that I can incubate these eggs and sperm good. I’m praying they find one another and make lots of embryos. I’m praying constantly.
Now our five days are up and its time for the big day! Transfer day!!! This was it! This was the day our baby would be put into my body. Once again we were so excited while still trying to guard our hearts. Once again we’re off to Greenville. Its a relaxed process. Everyone is cheerful and encouraging. We get suited up for the OR.
We’re about to head back now. The DR takes out my Invo Cell and gives it to the lab. The carefully inspect the embryos. Out of 10 eggs we had 6 that fertilized, 3 matured, and 2 were outstanding! We had TWO EMBRYOS!!! This was so exciting! By doing Simply IVF, you don’t get as many as the standard IVF. So two was amazing! We decided to transfer just one. With the new technology, they do better one at a time. This was it! Our baby was being placed inside me. Our baby. This was a baby. We believe from the second it was fertilized and matured, it was OUR BABY. We’re so happy. They give us our first photo of our baby and we were all smiles!
Everything went smooth and now we leave to go home. Now its time for the two week wait. The LONGEST two weeks of my life. During this two week time. Mothers Day arrived. It was a very emotional day for me. I had our baby inside me. I have never been able to experience Mothers Day and it usually sucks for me. This one was special so Jared snapped a couple pictures for us to remember it.
We were treating this as if we knew it would be a positive test. I knew that was taking an emotional risk. But we wanted tasty positive. We wanted to do everything right. We didn’t want to make any mistakes. But we weren’t in control. We did our parts, the doctor did his, it was ALL in Gods hands. We knew that in our hearts, but we still wanted to be in control of the situation. We weren’t.
So test day came. I didn’t cheat and take one at home. I waited for the blood test. We go in to get my blood drawn and they inform us they’ll call in two hours. MORE WAITING. We hang around Asheville for awhile, grab some lunch, go to Target….kill time basically. Finally we decide to head home. Then as we’re traveling down I-26, my phone rings. Jared pulls off the side of the interstate so we can take the call. As soon as she said my name I knew…. I could hear the sadness in her voice. I lost it. I couldn’t even talk. It as like I blacked out. Jared took the phone and I barely remember their conversation even though it was in speaker phone. I will never forget that moment. Every time we drive past that pull off, I feel it.
I was ANGRY, CONFUSED, HURT, SAD
My biggest question was WHY???? Why God? What can I do for me to be a mother? Tell me.
The next week was the hardest week of my life. I stayed in prayer but I was also so angry. I yelled at God, I apologized for yelling, I yelled some more. I screamed. I was an emotional disaster. But He comforted me. I found Him in my darkest days. And eventually I found my peace.
Its been a battle. My faith gets stronger every time. I know His plan is greater and I work daily on letting go of the control I want to have.
I love my church family so much. They held me and prayed with me so much during this and I’m forever thankful I have them
We are taking a small break over the summer. We’re enjoying each other and really focusing on our relationship with God. We aren’t giving up by no means. But we emotionally need a break as well as physically for me. We have another beautiful embryo waiting on us. We haven’t forgotten about it and honestly we think about it daily. Just waiting for the right time to transfer it. Praying that God shows us the path and the perfect timing.
Thank you again for all your prayers and love.